It’s a Journey – I’m inviting you along.

 

Hello again. This is my third post writing about my widowhood journey, ‘From Grief to Growth’. In my previous post, I said I was going to write about some very special things that have happened since Dudley left us. These have certainly made me think that although he is gone from this earth and ‘out there somewhere’, he is also ever present. Also, I have found that tuning myself in to ‘signs’ and unexpected happenings has helped lift my spirits. Perhaps this will help you too.

A note here: In the early days after he’d left me, I couldn’t even say ‘this’ out loud, in any words, to anyone, without welling up. It was just so raw and painful. But I have always been a journaller and found it much easier to ‘write it all out’ rather than ‘talk it all out’. Having some form of diary or journal can be very therapeutic and I encourage you to give it a try, if you don’t do it already. 

The flashbacks 

While journaling soon after ‘the awful day’, I suddenly found myself recalling all the ‘not so nice things’ in our marriage, the things we’d fought about, so many of which, in retrospect, seem so petty. But all the time I was writing, the wonderful memories of all the special times and experiences we’d shared, were popping into my mind. These far outweighed the rocky patches.

Music helps the healing process

Very meaningful for me also; as I was journalling about all of this, I was listening to my playlist, “Jane’s Soul Music” and the very first song that played was ‘Make me a Channel of your Peace’. This was the prayer I prayed that seemed to calm Dudley right near the end. I wrote about this in my previous post: 

“Just a few days before he left us, I went to sit with him and as I put my hand on him, suddenly this prayer came into my mind: ‘Lord, make me a channel of your peace’. This thought came straight into my mind; a channel is something that things can flow through. I continued to whisper a prayer, that my arm could be the channel that peace flows through into his shoulder, then his brain and then his whole body. In my prayer, I admitted to not feeling very peaceful myself, but that it would be ‘The Peace that passes all understanding’ that fills me, then flows through to him – or words to that effect…. He stayed calm. Then I prayed that this would be a turning point for him and that he would stay calm.”  You can read the full post here: https://footeloosefancyfree.com/from-grief-to-growth-a-widowhood-journey-angels-and-special-moments/

While still journaling, that song was followed on by Dido’s ‘There’s no freedom without love’ and then one of my absolute favourites, ‘In Paradisum’ sung by Katherine Jenkins. 

Saying Goodbye

We wanted, of course, to have a ‘saying goodbye’ in some form or another. Dudley would actually have been quite fine with us doing nothing! He was not a religious person, so definitely would not have wanted anything in a church. We opted not to attend his cremation. 

To enable family and friends from around the world to join in, we decided on a celebration of his life, in the form of a zoom call. Sal and her husband set it all up – I’m so very grateful to them. It went off very well and we all felt this was a wonderful and appropriate send off for him. 

It was extremely emotional, but in a good way. I started it off with a poem I’d written for our 50th anniversary, which is a kind of summary of our life together, to which I added a last verse. My sister and husband had both written poems.  Two of his sisters gave tributes as did three pilot friends and of course our children. Our grandson also played a short violin piece. I loved going down memory lane choosing the photos for the video that we had at the end, which played along to two of Dudley’s favourite songs from his Old Man’s Music playlist; “Don’t worry be happy” and “Always look on the bright side of life”. Right at the end, you hear a chopper flying and then it fades away into the distance. Many thanks to Damien for putting it all together.

This way of saying goodbye might feel right for you too. 

Chopper stories

An amazing thing happened just prior to the celebration: My sister and husband were just finishing editing their poems upstairs in their home when two Military helicopters flew low over the roof – twice! They were so low, they could see the crew in the cockpit. This has never happened before or since and they have lived in that house for over 40 years! Make of that what you will, but for us as a family that was very meaningful.

Being a chopper pilot’s wife, the throb of rotor blades has always been a thrill for me. In the early days of our relationship (in South West Africa), Dudley would fly low over my residence and I’d know he was home from a trip. Soon the phone would ring and I’d hear his sexy voice..! So when the computer came up with the word ‘rotor’ twice in a couple of days in my Scrabble games, so soon after he’d gone, it brought back those happy, heady days of being in love. 

I do find Scrabble very therapeutic, good escapism and a good way to take your mind off horrible stuff that’s going on in your life – and it’s good for the brain! Why not give it a go? My game is totally free: Look for the App: Classic Words. There are ads, but they’re very unobtrusive.

And another chopper ‘happening’: I went to my local Bradford-on-Avon Sainsbury’s to put a whole lot of Dudley’s clothes in the recycle clothing bin. There was a big sign on it saying that the proceeds go to Air Ambulance Wiltshire – which is a helicopter! Dudley would be pleased about that. He’d done a lot of Air Ambulance piloting during his career.

Angels reappear….

In the previous posts I talked about angels….

My brother-in-law firmly believes that Dudley’s Abu Ben Adhem experience was a visitation by an angel. I wrote about this in my second post. You can read about that here: https://footeloosefancyfree.com/from-grief-to-growth-a-widowhood-journey-angels-and-special-moments/

Here’s the poem:

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)

Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,

And saw, within the moonlight in his room,

Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,

An angel writing in a book of gold:—

Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,

And to the presence in the room he said,

“What writest thou?”—The vision raised its head,

And with a look made of all sweet accord,

Answered, “The names of those who love the Lord.”

“And is mine one?” said Abou. “Nay, not so,”

Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,

But cheerly still; and said, “I pray thee, then,

Write me as one that loves his fellow men.”

The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night

It came again with a great wakening light,

And showed the names whom love of God had blest,

And lo! Ben Adhem’s name led all the rest.

And after he’d gone, angels were still popping up! 

About a week after the ‘awful day’, I went to spend a few days with my sister and her husband. I love going there. They have a lovely home and they are so comfortable to be with. They like to watch ‘Songs of Praise’ on a Sunday. There is always a theme and that Sunday it was Angels – people’s experiences of angels. 

And again….

 While still at my sister’s home, I got a text from Dudley’s youngest sister.  She’d been out from South Africa in May 2023 and we’d all stayed with Sue and James. She said that when she and Dudley had gone to the shop in their village (Clifton Hampden), to buy croissants for breakfast, they’d gone into the church on their way. Dudley had said he loved it and thought it was a beautiful church. She didn’t tell us this at the time. Was Dudley perhaps sensing a spiritual presence in that holy place?

Anyhow, she suggested that we go and light a candle there for Dudley. I thought it was a lovely idea, and bless Sue and James, they agreed. It was very special. And the name of the church?; St. Michael’s and All Angels! Also, amazingly, Dudley and I married in a St. Michael’s and All Angels church in Himeville, KwazuluNatal many, many years ago, and so did Sue and James. 

 

Dreams too can have value

I had a strange and complicated dream but I’ll just write about the part that was the most significant for me. Dudley was still alive and we were in a hotel near the beach. People were surfing the waves. The waves were really big – intimidatingly so. Then suddenly there was a gigantic wave approaching that filled the whole view through the large window. It was starting to curve and appeared to be going to break right over the roof of the hotel. It was terrifying, but people around us in the dream were saying “Don’t worry, it will clear the roof and the hotel will be undamaged.” They said that previously they’d all been petrified and would crawl under tables to try and protect themselves, but that they now realized that the waves would not flatten the hotel. 

Then suddenly I realized that Dudley wasn’t there anymore – that I’d only been thinking/dreaming that he was still alive, and that now I’d have to drive myself home. 

For me this dream came across as a metaphor for what I was experiencing; this tidal wave of grief and emotions, panic, and a sense that I was going to drown with the ‘weight’ of it all. But here was reassurance that I would be okay. I found this very meaningful and comforting.   

Gratitude

As I said in my previous post, the carers from Dorothy House and Melksham Community Services had been so amazing to us – they were like angels from heaven. I had written down the names of all the women and men who came and amazingly, there were 23 of them. I wanted to show my gratitude in some way. I had prints of my artworks and when I counted them there were 23! So I was able to give each carer one. Also, the head nurse at Dorothy House had been there for us from the beginning of Dudley’s palliative care and she was a constant,and comforting presence.  I gave her an original painting. She chose one which shows a narrow path near Tory – she liked that one especially because she walks her dog there.

 

Generosity and the value of family

Then something very special to lift my spirits: A trip to New Zealand to visit my son – my ticket paid for by my daughter and son-in-law – what generosity! From grief to growth in 5 wonderful weeks of precious family time.

The absolute best part of all of it was all the quality time I had with my son. I think it is the most time we have spent in each other’s company in our entire lives.

Another chopper ‘lift’

Rob took the day off for my 79th birthday on the 21st March 2025. We had the most memorable day. He knows I love birds and decided to take me to Sinclair Wetlands. It was an exquisite day.  As we got near, we could see and hear a chopper flying back and forth – crop-spraying probably – and it was our background noise for our whole walk. It kind of made me feel that Dudley was there for my birthday. It was a great walk – not as many birds as we’d thought there’d be, but enough to make it very worthwhile, including many fantails fanning their tails!

Then we went on down to the coast where we had a very good brunch at a cafe in Brighton Beach. As we sat down at the table, I put my phone down and it suddenly took a screen shot of my home page, which has the lovely picture I have of Dudley on it. I very seldom take screen shots so am not at all familiar with how to do it, so that was quite amazing to me.

Before heading back to Dunedin, we had a lovely walk on the beach. 

That evening Rob barbequed some king prawns and his lovely wife Tam had produced a fantastic spread to go with these. The table too was beautifully decorated. The cupcakes she’d made for dessert looked too good to eat, but of course we did and how yummy they were. She’d also gone to so much trouble choosing gifts and wrapping them. 

It was just so special being with the three of them. And so ended my 79th year. This all helped soften the blow of my grief and move me on toward growth in my widowhood journey.

Seek your own path

You too will find your own way to move on from grief to growth. Some may think looking for these ‘signs’ is a bit barmy and not for them. But they have definitely helped me on this widowhood journey. I hope at least some of you will be encouraged to look for these yourselves.  

P.S. When I had written that last paragraph, I decided to go for a walk. The song that was playing when I put my laptop to sleep was Angel, lyrics by Sarah McLachlan. Jackie Evancho’s beautiful  voice was singing thse words; “You’re in the arms of your angel. May you find some comfort there.” Is that where Dudley is now – in the arms of his angel?

Just behind my house there are farm fields and I love walking there. As I was going along the path through a maize field, the Wiltshire Air Ambulance helicopter flew over.

Choose your own path!