It Here I am again – later than I’d hoped. My intention was to write shorter blogs, and post these more often. But somehow that hasn’t happened. It’s not helpful to chastise myself for this lack of action. That would not help my ‘grief to growth’ widowhood journey would it? So, please bear that in mind for yourselves when you perhaps feel as if you’re not moving forward, that you should be doing more. Be gentle with yourself on your widowhood journey. 

Two topics for this post:

1. Small triumphs that feel like big triumphs – and sometimes they really are! 

2. Handling those difficult ‘memory days’

Small triumphs that feel like big triumphs 

 

In earlier posts, I’ve talked about anxiety and how I get panicky when I have to do something and I’m not sure how to go about it. https://footeloosefancyfree.com/4-from-grief-to-…idowhood-journey/ I’m sure many of you can relate to this. Or something goes wrong that has to be fixed and I just wish Dudley was here to put things right for me – he was so good at that, so very practical. It’s hard to have to struggle to put things right oneself isn’t it? Even harder to admit that one needs help and ask for it. But I’m getting better at both.

Here’s my list of things that I was anxious about but worked through these and won. And things that went wrong and then got put right: 

1. My Will and Peace of Mind Planner 

a) I had to redo my will.

I’d been putting this off for ages. It made me so sad just thinking about it. 

And it felt like a huge thing to get done – where to start? I was also worried about how much it was going to cost me. As Dorothy House had been so wonderful to us and had said they were always there for us, I decided to phone them for advice on solicitors. I was amazed and delighted to discover that I was entitled to a free will – as long as it was a straightforward one, which I knew it would be. There was the option to do it online or have a face to face appointment. This was what I wanted. If you want them to come to your home, there is a charge, so I was given a list of Solicitors and where their offices are. My nearest one was in  Chippenham. 

This was a half hour drive away. Not too bad one would think, but I am not familiar with the area and felt rather nervous about driving there on my own. I decided I must just put my mind to it. I chose a route but it turned out to be one with loads of roadworks and I almost went wrong at one point. But all was well in the end and I got there early – Dudley would have been proud of me! The lawyer who saw me  was very helpful and suggested I go on the A4 home. I got home easily and safely.

b) Hospice sent me a ‘Peace of Mind Planner’ to complete.

The idea is that this will be very helpful for those you are leaving behind. It is an excellent idea, I think, and very comprehensive. It does feel weird I have to be honest, but I’m persevering with it – I haven’t quite finished. The thing is, although I feel healthy now, one just never knows when it will be one’s turn ‘to go’, so best to get these things done while the going is good! Tick! Grief to growth.

2. Filing

My files were in such a mess. I really had to force myself to put my mind to this and sort them out. It is done and it feels so good! Tick! Grief to Growth.

3. DIY 

 a) The lights under my kitchen cupboards

were not working properly – flashing on and off. What to do? I asked around and most people were saying that if you get a qualified electrician in to check it out, he is obliged to check all your electrics. He could well find other things that aren’t right and it could end up being very expensive. I have a lovely guy who has helped me with other DIY stuff and I thought I’d just ask him if he’d be prepared to take a look. He said yes!  After a whole hour of puzzling over the problem, he came to the conclusion that it was the battery charger that wasn’t working anymore. I then ordered a new one on Amazon. And he was right – it’s fixed and didn’t cost me an arm and a leg. Tick!

b) My self-defrosting fridge-freezer

is only about 4 years old but of course no longer under guarantee. Suddenly, every few days, a puddle would have formed in front of it, obviously coming from underneath somewhere. I have a booklet but there was nothing in the ‘Troubleshooting’ section about this problem. I tried Googling/AI and the suggestions were; a blocked pipe or a cracked tray under the fridge. But how to check to see if these might be the issue. I certainly wouldn’t be able to tip the fridge by myself and look underneath! I was telling everyone who visited about this. Then friends from South Africa were staying and with Eric’s help, we moved the fridge away from the wall, so that he could look underneath, he said the pipe looked fine and he couldn’t see anything amiss. Well, just his fiddling somehow magically did the trick, because it has stopped leaking now! Tick!

c) Not all my radiators were working.

Plumbers are expensive. Dudley had bled them but I never looked to see how it was done. My son, lamenting the fact that he (he lives in New Zealand!), suggested I try ChatGPT.  Well, between Google, YouTube and Chat GPT, I managed to ‘learn’ how to do this and I found the gadget needed in Dudley’s desk drawer. I bled them and they were all fine.’What now’  I asked Chat GPT. After following instructions, I established that a valve on one of them needed replacing. Then the plumbers came and replaced it. Tick!  

d)The upper sliding window in my bathroom

isn’t opened that often and for some reason, it then becomes very difficult to do this. I bought a rubber mallet to bash it open, but even that doesn’t always work – and I was always scared too that I might end up smashing the window. When my sister and brother-in-law were here, I mentioned it to them. James is very practical and he came up with a much better solution; a large screwdriver; you wedge it down between the window frame and the surround and then pull it forward and voila, you can open the window! Tick! 

e) Opening jars etc

My hands are small, not that strong and also arthritic. Dudley’s hands were very strong. He always got things open for me: I’ve found that twirling the lid end of jars under the hot tap for quite a while will enable me to open them. A friend found a special pair of pliers in our garage that I can use to open the containers of thick bleach, which require squeezing while turning. Tick!

f) My treasured clock

Lizzy has been ticking away happily most of the time, for the twenty plus years that she’s lived with us. She’s a very pretty 18th century cottage clock made by Elizabeth Abraham. Admirably, she took over her husband’s clock-making business when he died. Whenever Lizzy faltered, Dudley was marvellously patient getting her going again, getting her balance just right. But now, there’s only me to wind her – and talk to her, trying to persuade her to keep ticking. Recently she stopped altogether. I noticed that a half peg was lying next to her on the floor and realized it must have worked loose and that was why the pendulum kept bumping against the back of the long case. It would have been impossible for me to fix her by myself. Dave to the rescue! He’s a lovely guy who helps me with my garden – more about him further down. He gently tipped Lizzy forward while I pushed in two half pegs at the bottom back corners of the clock. Now she is happily ticking away again. 

 

But now she was gaining a lot of time. Dudley knew how to fix this too. I decided to google this problem. It turned out to be a simple thing; turn the nut under the pendulum to the left. There was even a YouTube video to show me exactly what to do! Tick!…and Ti(o)ck! Grief to growth.

4. Garden

a) Before – not happy!

These days, I seem to have become rather dithery about almost everything. I’ve become very good at changing my mind umpteen times about something/anything/everything! This included my back garden. When we moved into this house, there was very little there, apart from 4 conifer type trees. We decided to chop the biggest one down as if it had blown over in a storm, it would probably have fallen on the roof of the then conservatory.

We have a birdbath on the stump. There were paving stones and pebbles and one or two shrubs. I decided a wild flower garden to attract birds and butterflies would be lovely, so we took up the paving stones and sprinkled seeds. What a disappointment. Ditto the following year. 

b) A plan to make it better!

Being northfacing, it gets full sun in the summer but nothing in the winter. I decided that this summer I would plan a garden that would give me pleasure and hopefully also attract lots of insects and birdlife. So I sat down with pen and paper, measured up the bed, drew in what was already there and established, and then asked my very good gardening friend for advice on what to put in the gaps.

In view of the fact that I don’t want it to look completely devoid of interest in winter, we decided on mostly perennials. She very kindly gave me a whole lot, and,  fortuitously, her daughter was coming to Bath and had said she’d like to meet me for lunch, so she brought them for me. Then I bought more at a lovely nursery near me – SO popular!

c) The plan comes together!

I have found a lovely man to help me in my garden with heavy work and he dug all 30 holes and planted them. Then another eight after another trip to the nursery! It was hard work, as there were more paving stones under the pebbles that had to make way for the new plants. I’m going to buy some flowering dahlias to put in between for a quick show while the other plants get established. I’ve also put up some tripods for sweet peas. It feels SO good! Tick! Grief to growth. 

  

5. Doing business online

a) Travel Insurance, visas etc.

Lucky me, I’m going to visit a friend in the United States in June. My daughter and her husband kindly booked my ticket for me and also helped me to sort out my travel insurance. I have done this before though, and it is so easy if you go through GoCompare. I was reluctant to ask my daughter to help me with the ESTA visa as well, so said I’d give it a go myself. 

First I tried to do this on my laptop, but didn’t succeed. The website was prompting me to download the mobile App – we’re being ‘pushed’ into this at every turn aren’t we? I downloaded it in the hope it would be easier. In some ways it was, but it still took me ages to get it sorted. I was having a problem with scanning my passport. So I put my problem to AI and was advised to take the cover off my phone – and then it scanned. Taking the selfie was a mission. I must have tried at least 5 times, finally realizing that you have to bring the phone very close to your face! But what a relief to see that Tick! Then I was given a reference number, to put in on the website to check if it had been approved. Yes! And now it’s printed and with my passport. Whew….Tick!

b) Booking coaches 

My coach to Heathrow is also booked now and printed off – I know we’re all supposed to be trying to go paperless, but I always like to have a print out of my travel bookings. The National Express website was very user friendly. That does help a lot. And you are prompted to check everything very thoroughly before paying. Tick! 

c) Banking online

Being forced to change our old ways

How do you all get on with your banking? Nowadays in England, so many branches have closed. It’s not like the old days when one could just pop into the bank and ask someone to help you. MInd you, I have to say, I’m with HSBC and they still have a branch in Bath and the staff there are fantastic.

Using the Apps

Also, it isn’t at all easy to speak to someone on the phone is it? Again, we are being coerced into having to do things either on one’s laptop, tablet or mobile phone. For so long, I resisted doing transactions on my phone, but amazingly, I now find it quite manageable on the Apps. It was quite a job setting up Face ID but now that I have that it is so much easier than using passwords, and OTPs (i.e. One Time Passwords) codes to log in.

I have to transfer my pension from South Africa to my UK bank account every now and then. Yesterday, for the first time, it felt so much easier and less stressful, having written down previously what I must select when the options come up.

We all (or at least most of us) resist change, and I know there are many people out there who still don’t use mobile phones. But surprisingly I’m finding that they can be extremely helpful e.g. using Apple Pay for purchases and parking. It saves having to fish out my credit card or cash.  Tick! Grief to growth.

To conclude

I would advise: Check, check and check again before putting in your credit card details. 

Writing up all the things I’ve triumphed over has made me feel good. It seems I am coping with doing many of the things that I often relied on my dear man to do for me. Why not make your own list and no doubt you too will be surprised and encouraged by what you have triumphed over. 

Handling those difficult ‘memory days’

 

1. Music and diversions

a) These are of course going to be coming up every year;

birthdays; yours and your lost loved one’s and the big one for me; your anniversary.

A few days ago, it would have been our 53rd wedding anniversary. I did find myself weeping quietly on and off throughout the day, but once again, music gave me comfort. My sister sent a very special Celine Dion song: Thank God for Another Day Old; Chris Stapleton and Celine Dion. It really struck a chord a) because I’m getting older and b) because I’m lucky enough to be still alive and well enough to enjoy my life. View-source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kzy6ab3fhYY Then a close friend sent another beautiful Celine Dion Easter song. I haven’t been able to find a link for it, unfortunately. Both of these I found so very moving and I played them off and on all day..

It was my afternoon with my granddaughter. This lifted my spirits enormously and then later my daughter came home and we had supper together. I mostly do supper on these evenings. As it’s been warmer I decided on a chicken salad, which went down well. My daughter then kindly helped me do my travel insurance. I have two exciting travel things coming up, which I will talk about in another post! Then it was quite late and so I spent the night. I’m so lucky to be able to do this. 

b) Finding comfort in things that others might think strange?!

This is something that I feel a bit self-conscious about, something that others might say is ‘silly’. But it makes me smile and most importantly of all, it is comforting for me, especially when I’m really feeling the loss of my man; e.g. on our anniversary: 

Here’s a picture of my childhood teddy bear, Gruffy. He used to sit on my dressing table.

I wanted to have a photograph of Dudley in my bedroom and that was where I decided to put it.

So now Gruffy and Grumpy (my grandchildren’s ‘nickname’ for their grandfather!), have swapped places. Every night, I tuck Gruffy into bed next to me – blush…! And I can see Dudley before I go to sleep….

I imagining him (wherever he is?!), having a chuckle about this, but hoping he’s also touched?!

Keep going all – you can do this! Sending you my love and very best wishes for your continuing Widowhood Journey.