It’s a Journey – I’m inviting you along.

Hello again. This is my second post writing about my widowhood journey, ‘From Grief to Growth’. I’m finding that there are so many ways to shift the grief. I’m letting my ‘feelers’ twitch and search for growth in the sadness, and so many things are showing themselves to me.  Something I heard today on a Music and Meditation Podcast really resonated with me: “Grief is like a winding river. Your grief will stay the same, but your life will start to grow around it.” I do hope that those who are also on this widowhood journey will find my posts and find some comfort through them and that it will help you move from grief to growth.

Angels and Special Moments

In my last post I said I would be talking about angels. I’m going to include special moments as well. During the final stages of Dudley’s illness, there were so many of these and they certainly helped me keep going. 

Here’s a wonderful Angel story:

About 5 weeks before the end, Dudley got up for lunch with us at the kitchen table. Out of the blue, he suddenly recited a poem from memory: 

Abou Ben Adhem

By Leigh Hunt

Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!)

Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace,

And saw, within the moonlight in his room,

Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom,

An angel writing in a book of gold:—

Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold,

And to the presence in the room he said,

“What writest thou?”—The vision raised its head,

And with a look made of all sweet accord,

Answered, “The names of those who love the Lord.”

“And is mine one?” said Abou. “Nay, not so,”

Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low,

But cheerly still; and said, “I pray thee, then,

Write me as one that loves his fellow men.”

The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night

It came again with a great wakening light,

And showed the names whom love of God had blest,

And lo! Ben Adhem’s name led all the rest.

Why did he recall this poem at this time? The nurse from Dorothy House had asked him at some point whether he had a religion and he said “Not really” but I’m wondering whether he wasn’t starting to think about God/acknowledge that maybe there is something? I, and my sister and brother-in-law, like to think that he was visited by an Angel…..

Some special moments

Look for these. Try and have a conscious belief that they will come your way. You will be surprised and delighted and it will help keep you going. Even if you’re not religious, things might happen which prompt you to wonder if there isn’t ‘something’/’Someone there, just for you, on your widowhood journey. Use these moments to find growth in your grief.

Welcome the Unexpected!

I was feeling very emotional. Poor Dudley was struggling with itching, an allergic reaction to one of the medications. I decided to walk down to the pharmacy and get him some antihistamine pills. I went into the Holy Trinity church on the way there. It’s a really beautiful church in our town of Bradford-on-Avon, with a marvellous history: https://htboa.org/

On the doors it says “Be still and know that I am God”.

So I sat down in the pew to ‘be still’. But I wasn’t feeling at all calm. On the contrary, I was feeling sad and cross. I felt I’d been trying to pray and hoping to hear God’s ‘still small voice’ but there was no sense of being comforted – just a silence, making me feel so alone. I said to God “I need a sign that you are there for us at the moment, because I’m not feeling that you are. I’m feeling bereft and miserable and Dudley’s in a very bad way. I want it to be loud, like a punch in the ribs loud.” Suddenly the organ started to play – very loudly – like reverberating in my ribs loud! I hadn’t even known an organist was there….

I’ve been into that church a number of times, but there’s never been an organist  there. Was this God telling me that he was there in our situation? I told Dudley when I got home – he’s not religious at all – and he agreed that it was quite extraordinary.

Nature helps us heal

It was a very bad day for Dudley and he was also emotional. I was not feeling in control at all. I was also thinking about my older sister – it would have been her 80th birthday. But sadly, she also succumbed to cancer a couple of years ago. But that morning there were lots of birds in the garden, including one we had never seen before; a tree pipit – grief to growth.

Another bad day for Dudley, following on from a bad night during which he fell over in the bathroom (and I didn’t hear – I feel so sad about that). When he eventually got up we talked about where he wanted to be when he got really bad. I said I’d like him to be at home and he said he felt the same, which was good. A very sad conversation but while we were talking, I saw a beautiful red admiral butterfly sunning itself on the choisya.. What a wonderful lift to our spirits!

We’d had to change surgeries and it was a while before everything was sorted. So I’d had a runaround trying to track down which pharmacy had Dudley’s medication. But seeing a beautiful kingfisher under the bridge in town gave me such joy. 

Memories of happy times and adventures

As Dudley became weaker, I was having to do more driving, but still finding it a bit nerve-wracking. Up until he became unwell, he’d always driven, so I had hardly driven in England. He had an oncology appointment at the Royal United Hospital in Bath and asked me to drive, as he didn’t feel well enough. We got there safely. Devastatingly, we were told that there didn’t seem to be any point in carrying on with immunotherapy as it wasn’t working for him. We were both crying. The grief was profound. 

But earlier, while waiting to see the oncologist, we’d been talking to the nurse and she’d asked us about our lives. It was wonderful because it reminded us what a wonderful life we had had together, living in so many beautiful countries; South Africa, Mauritius and the Seychelles. And so many marvellous and exciting experiences; lots of travel and even a spell in Antarctica! There’s growth in thinking back on the happy memories.

You can read a story I wrote about meeting penguins on the ice here: https://footeloosefancyfree.com/a-penguin-whisperer-in-antarctica/

By the time we left the hospital, it was dark, raining and rush hour. I am not used to driving at night and I don’t like it. It took us an hour to do what is normally about a 25 minute journey. But I got us home safely – so definitely a growth experience. And my husband even complimented me!

Reading is a bonus

If you like reading, like me, it’s a bonus, because a book, or anything you might happen to read somewhere, can so often give you a lift. At this time, I was reading “Close to where the Heart gives out” written by Malcolm Alexander, a doctor, about his life on an Orkney island. This seemed appropriate given that, apart from the cancer. Dudley’s heart was playing up…

Also, in the chapter entitled ‘Swan Song’, the author writes “No-one should die alone if it can be avoided”,. It made me feel so pleased that Dudley and I had agreed that he’d stay home and I’d be with him when he died. Another meaningful excerpt for me: It had been a stressful time. His wife had to go back to the mainland without him to have her fifth child. He was feeling angry with God because of this. But he was there for the birth and it went well. He believed God was in this situation and he entreats us to “Be still and know that I am God”. 

Here’s a tip for those who love reading and may not yet know about it: Borrowbox. It’s an online library and it’s free! https://www.borrowbox.com/ Sometimes you have to wait a while for the popular books, but you can always choose another less popular one while you wait for it. 

Inspiring little booklets

I’d been saying to quite a few people “I’m scared for the future. How bad is Dudley going to get and will I be able to help him still? Also, the thought of losing him – my lovely life partner – living on my own without him scares me”. A dear couple had given me a Christian booklet and in it were these comforting words: “Perfect love expels all fear”, “ God cares about you too much to leave you in any doubt about his love.”

You might just find some small thing that resonates. I’d been crying a lot. I was comforted by a Kamala Harris quote in the online Guardian news “And let us remember that while weeping may endure for a night, joy cometh in the morning.” 

On another occasion, I was feeling weepy – again – and then remembered that I hadn’t read a Christian booklet I’d been given for quite a while. I got it out and read an account of a mother whose son had a stroke and she couldn’t be with him and how God spoke so clearly to her. It ended with this sentence:”No matter the situation, you can trust that He will have His arms around you and comfort you in a way that no-one else can.” I did find this comforting. 

Reflections on Caring

Understandably, Dudley was resisting getting outside carers to come in. As I am not a trained carer, I was finding it all extremely difficult.  He was so determined to be as independent as possible for as long as he could, and kept putting off using any kind of aids e.g. using a walker. This resulted in a number of falls, which was very stressful for all. Fortunately, he did not sustain any major injuries. Also, as his medication needs became more demanding, I had to start writing everything down; times, doses etc. I’d get stressed because I was respnsible for giving him his medication but then he couldn’t seem to stay awake to eat something so that he wasn’t taking his pills on an empty stomach. He was getting irritated with me for bossing him around!

My sister-in-law had given me a booklet, “Thoughts of Caring”. This  quote struck home: “Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.” I needed to hear that as I had been trying to get him to do things that I felt he should, but he just didn’t have the will or the energy. And another one: “Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care and kindness you can muster and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again.” (Og Mandino). That struck home for sure.

And then this lovely evening with my dear husband: Dudley had barely been getting out of bed, but one evening he said he’d come through to the kitchen for supper. And we had an amazing hour and a half talking and sharing. We spoke about lots of things and how grateful we were for the wonderful life we’d had. Also how lucky we are to have such a lovely family and extended family as well as so many wonderful caring friends. At one point, he said how much he appreciated me caring for him. He got emotional and I could tell that it was very hard for him to say this. I know for sure that he must have been absolutely hating losing his independence and not being able to care for himself. (We are surely all like this?) It was SO special.

Treasure family

First off I want to say how fortunate we are to have two wonderful children, who are very much there for us and were particularly wonderful during this time, especially our daughter. She put her job on hold towards the end, and came to stay at our home. Without her I truly would have fallen apart. She and her family live in Bath, only 15 minutes away normally, so they visited as often as they could.

Our son lives in New Zealand so he couldn’t do that. But we were thrilled that he came out with our grandson in August to see his Dad. Our daughter had booked an air B&B in northern Scotland and my twin sister and her husband joined us there too. We had a very special few days up there even though the weather wasn’t great. Dudley had wonderful long video chats with his son till right near the end. Thank you WhatsApp!

There were massive floods during the month of November 2024, which caused a lot of stress as nurses, carers and doctors took hours to get to us. Our Bath family continued to visit, even when it was taking an hour to get to us, bringing meals, treats and so much love. My twin sister and her husband too were absolutely wonderful, and near the end stayed in a B&B nearby so that they could visit easily, but still allow us our privacy. On one occasion, all 7 of us were in Dudley’s bedroom and he perked up amazingly. We saw glimmers of his old joking self.

Amazingly, only a week before he departed this earth, he was still lucid and interacting. The family had come to visit and he asked his granddaughter if she could solve this riddle: You’re in a room with no windows or doors and concrete walls and ceiling. Just a bare table in the middle. How do you escape? You bang your hand on the table until it’s sore (saw). Then you take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole (hole). You climb through the hole and shout yourself hoarse (horse). Then you jump on the horse and ride away!

Value friendships

Then one of his good friends from Dudley’s Air Force days in South Africa paid him a visit. We were so grateful that they said they’d come because it was quite a drive for them. His lovely wife and daughter came too. By this time, he was pretty much bed-ridden and was sleeping nearly all of the time. So we girls were delighted to hear them chatting and laughing for a good long while. Then we all had lunch, them in the bedroom and us in the kitchen, before they left for home. What a wonderful boost for my pilot husband to reminisce about his flying days with a good friend, who was in fact one of his ‘pupes’ i.e. pupil pilots, way back in 1974!

Praying – sometimes it feels as if it does help

Dudley had been terribly restless, struggling, wanting to get up. l prayed a fervent prayer asking God to give him peace and for him to be free from pain and anxiety. I was questioning whether God was listening. It didn’t feel like it. Then I whispered ‘I love you’ and he seemed to calm down hearing my voice. I said ‘Squeeze my hand if you can hear me,’ and he did. Then he asked me to cover him – he’d thrown off all his covers earlier. Then he settled.

Just a few days before he left us, I went to sit with him and as I put my hand on his shoulder, suddenly this prayer came into my mind: ‘Lord, make me a channel of your peace’. I thought; ‘a channel is something that things can flow through.’ I continued to whisper a prayer, that my arm could be the channel/conduit for peace to flow through into his shoulder, then his brain and then his whole body. In my prayer, I admitted to not feeling very peaceful myself, but that it would be ‘The Peace that passes all understanding’ that would fill me, then flow through to him – or words to that effect…. He stayed calm. Then I prayed that this would be a turning point for him and that he would stay calm. 

Later, when I was writing about this in my journal, the song ‘Make me a Channel of your Peace’, which is on my ‘Jane’s Soul Music’ playlist, started playing! I’d just turned on Spotify and tuned into that playlist, not having listened all day. One other song had played before that, but there are 1h34 minutes of songs on there…. 

Places of Worship are calming

Later, I walked down to the lovely St. Mary’s Chapel. Beautiful light was coming through the windows. I just sat quietly soaking up the peace and trying to pray, and felt comforted. There’s a book for comments. I wrote: ‘I pray that all who step into this beautiful chapel and those they love will receive the Peace that passes all understanding.’ If you’re ever in Bradford-on-Avon, do make a point of visiting this 15th century pilgrimage chapel on the hill. It really is very special. Here’s a link which will tell you all about it: https://saxonchurch.org.uk/st-mary-tory/

The end

On the day he departed this earth, I sat on the spare bed in his room reading a book from our local library: ‘Magpie’ by Frieda Hughes, daughter of Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath. George was her pet magpie. He’d left for good and she was distraught, which prompted her to take in a sick crow, but it died. She writes: ‘I thought of Oscar’s slow quiet passing and was consoled by the fact that he died so peacefully. He did it in warmth and comfort. He simply went to sleep in the company of someone who cared. Who could ask for more?’

This seemed so apt  for Dudley, lying in the bed next to me. She wrote: ‘I could see various neighbour’s houses out of the window. The curtains of one house were drawn; the neighbour had cancer and death was close’. I thought: ‘That’s us.’ But it was strangely comforting.

Tributes

I feel I would like to pay tribute here to the wonderful care and support that we received from our local Hospice, Dorothy House, and Melksham Community Hospital. I am so very grateful also to to extended family and friends who are not mentioned here, as well as lovely neighbours. We could not have coped without them.

Closure

It has been so hard for me, reliving that very sad time by writing it all down in this post but I’m sure you’ll agree, there were many special moments during this time – and they helped me keep  going. I feel sure that on your own widowhood journey, you will find them too.

I have to hold to the belief that I’ll move from grief to growth with time. And I wish this for all of you reading this. 

In my next post, I’m going to write about some very special things that have happened since he left us. These have certainly made me think that although he is gone from this earth and ‘out there somewhere’, he also every present. We just need to keep ourselves tuned in to ‘signs’ and unexpected happenings.