Looking back on the year
It’s been a while since I last wrote a post for this series, Grief to Growth. Can you believe another whole year has gone – 2025 is gone, 2026 has begun. Looking back on the year can be so enlightening. At this time, I always send an email to family and friends around the world, summarising the year that’s past. It helped me see that although there were the ‘not so nice’ things that happened, it was astonishing to see how many more ‘good things’ there were. It made me feel so very grateful – a move from grief to growth I feel.
Here is my ‘looking back on the year’.
It’s very detailed but I’m hoping readers will find something worthwhile to take away from it. The ‘good things’ are the ones that kept ME going. Why not make your own list. Of course it needn’t be as long and wordy as mine. What has lifted YOUR spirits, helped banish YOUR blues, made you feel less alone, helped you move from grief to growth? Your list might have some things in common with mine. There’ll be some that aren’t you at all. But there might also be something that you’d like to try.
The ‘not so nice things’
Trouble with my hips and a car accident. I have written about these things in a previous post: Less is more, so I’ll stop there!
The ‘good stuff’
1. People:
The people in your life. They are so very important for keeping you going on this journey.
In my email newsletter, I made special mention of my daughter and family here in the UK, my son and his family in New Zealand, my sister and her husband here in the UK as well as a very close friend and her husband, also in the UK.
I also mentioned how I’ve enjoyed having visitors. Do encourage people to visit you, even if it’s not a ‘stay over’ but simply someone coming for tea or a meal. It really does give a lift to the spirits, help you move from grief to growth.
2. Meditation: – an attempt!
Have you, like me, lost a lot of your self-confidence since losing your loved one? Do you find that your anxiety levels have spiked? Do you find yourself feeling panicky at the thought of things that seem so silly e.g. driving to a new destination?
So many advocate the benefits of some form of meditation. So I thought I should try and make a concerted effort to look for ways to try it, in the hope that it alleviates some of the above. I have found that it is not at all easy. But here are a few pointers to things that I have found helpful. And I do think I’m in a better place now than I was a few months back. I do feel I am managing, with small tentative steps to move on from my grief to growth.
The Music and Meditation Podcast on BBC Sounds:
https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/ (More on Podcasts below)
I enjoyed this very much. There are 5 Series, each with 9 episodes. Sadly, there it ends – it seems it has been discontinued. I have listened to them all. Some are better than others in my opinion and I wasn’t always enamoured with the music. The presenters choose a guest to lead the meditation who are experts in their particular field. This enables you to choose which one you’d like to do on any particular day; e.g. Ease your Anxiety, You are enough etc. It is great to have this choice.
But none of these were specifically addressing widowhood. So I’m still seraching on that score.
Brian Draper’s Meditational Series:
These take the form of emails every day for the length of the series. He is a Christian but his writing is not forceful in any way and he gently guides his readers towards ‘becoming still’ and ‘listening to the still small voice of God’. There are also links to beautiful music, interviews with interesting people and suggested reading. I participated in his Autumn and Advent ones.
He invites RSVPS from his readers during the series and it is so inspiring to read, listen to or view the responses from folk around the world. Someone recommended The Quiet Path by Andrew Rudd and it’s a charming little book which includes some of Andrew’s poems. I also bought Brian’s book, Soulfulness, which is packed with excellent suggestions for finding your soul. It’s a book to be read again and again. That way, your soul will continue to be nurtured.
I bought both of these through Abe Books.https://www.abebooks.co.uk/ They have a very good selection of books of all genres, new, or second-hand. I prefer to buy second-hand because I’m a big fan of recycling. These of course are also cheaper!
3. Music, Radio and TV:
Music:
It is such a balm for the soul! We all know this, but sometimes it’s good to get a reminder: When one is suddenly alone in one’s home, having had someone to talk to/ share and laugh with for so many years, silence can suddenly feel very loud…..
This brings on an urge to have anything on, just to break the silence, even if it is just the radio spewing out yet more depressing news. But it’s so easy to change channels. Classic FM is one of my favourites. Everyone has their preferences. And then there is Spotify. What a brilliant App. https://open.spotify.com/ It’s free on your mobile and so easy to make your own Playlist.
When I‘m feeling sad, I like to listen to the one I’ve made called Jane’s Soul Music. It has quite a few spiritual/soulful songs and orchestral music e.g the music from David Attenborough’s TV series, all of which I find comforting. My Jane’s Favs one is more upbeat. It lifts my spirits and quite often I find myself singing along.
Someone put me onto the Shazam App. https://www.shazam.com/You could be anywhere and you hear a song that you love but you don’t know what it is. You just press the ‘listen’ prompt and then when it recognizes the song, press save and the song goes into a folder on Spotify. Many of you might be saying that you couldn’t be bothered with that but I like that I can do that – even in a supermarket!
When I want to reminisce about life with my dear man I play the memory stick he put together called Old Man’s Music. It is, of course, all Golden Oldies and it takes me right back to all those happy times we shared. I do feel that looking back on happy memories definitely helps us to move from grief to growth.
Podcasts:
Do you, like me, often feel overwhelmed with how we are constantly being bombarded with new things and changes. Wouldn’t it be far easier if everything just stayed the same, so that we could keep pace?
But then we realize that some new things and changes are good. We can expand our horizons and learn to like such things as interesting podcasts! These are also good for taking your mind off your present circumstances. My daughter and son-in-law have suggested quite a few and I’ve found a few of my own: I mentioned the Music and Meditation one above. Another very good one in my view is Life-Changing, BBC Radio 4:https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/ People share about a life-changing moment that turned their world upside down and how they got through it and triumphed. It’s very inspiring. There are SO many to choose from. Why not take a look and find something that appeals to YOU.
TV:
Sometimes I feel a bit guilty about how much I look forward to my TV viewing in the evenings. And then I ask myself ‘Why’?! Don’t feel guilty, even if you like watching during the day as well. There are so many ‘feel good’ programmes to watch as well as so many which will make you smile, chuckle or laugh out loud. Laughter is a tonic that helps us heal. Again there is so much to choose from one is spoilt for choice. If this is what helps you ‘escape’ what you’ve been going through, then just go for it!
4. Exercising:
We are all told we should be exercising to maintain/boost our physical health – especially if you’re getting older, like me! But I don’t always find it easy or enjoyable. I’m sure there must be quite a few of you out there who feel the same. Looking back on this year, I admit to being very erratic!
A Class
In South Africa I went to a fantastic exercise class twice a week, which I enjoyed very much. I also went to aquarobics once a week. Also good. When I first started having trouble with my first hip here, I managed to join a PIlates class. It was good but not as enjoyable as the ‘Stretch and Tone’ one back in SA.
Then I had my hip replacement op and Dudley’s illness took over our lives. When I tried to rejoin this year, all the classes that would have suited me were fully booked. These classes are also expensive for me. So I was pleasantly surprised to find Rachel online, who does an excellent 20 minute Stand Up Pilates class which I can play on my iPad. I chose a stand up one because I am inclined to get dizzy getting down and up off the floor. She just suggests that you buy her a virtual coffee to ‘pay’ for your class. She does obviously get money from the ads that come up, but these do not interrupt the session. For anyone out there who might like to try her classes – there are loads to choose from – here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheGirlWithThePilatesMat
Physio
Because my other hip is also giving me trouble, which also affects my knee, the physio gave me a set of exercises to do. These are supposed to alleviate some of the discomfort but also strengthen all the muscles around the hip and knee. This will of course be of huge benefit if and when I have to have the second hip replaced. The ideal thing would be to do them religiously every day but as I said I’m rather erratic. But one thing I am doing is squats while – I’m brushing my teeth!; 20 twice a day.
It is so easy to wallow in our misery isn’t? For those, like me, who struggle with the discipline of it, let’s try harder to exercise regularly. Let’s visualize our muscles and bones strengthening; grief to growth! But I AM committed to..
Walking:
I feel really fortunate to be living in England,where there are so many groups one can join. Wherever you are in the world, you are bound to find a group you can join. Walking really is such a ‘feel good’ thing to do – I know it’s not for everyone, but do at least give it a try!
I’ve joined 3 groups: Walking through Grief (my local Hospice, advocating grief to gowth!), Get Wilkshire Walking; Bradford-on-Avon, and Walk for Health Campaign.
A confession: Being a South African, I’m a ‘fair weather ’ rather than a ‘stoic, die hard’ walker! So I don’t go that often, but it’s been lovely seeing different areas of the countryside and meeting new people. Often, it has made me realize that so many other people’s problems are worse than mine.
A big thank you to all the volunteers who do a wonderful and selfless job organizing the walks!
Another brilliant thing about living in England, especially where I live, is that one can feel perfectly safe, even walking alone. This was definitely not the case in South Africa. So I often just go for a walk by myself.
I can easily walk down into town via a very pretty lane called Tory, which has the beautiful ancient pilgrimage church of St. Mary’s at one end. (I’ve mentioned this lovely chapel in a previous post:)https://footeloosefancyfree.com/from-grief-to-gr…-special-moments/ Or instead of going into town, I can head the other way, cross the railway line and walk across the river bridge to the Tithe Barn. Or one can continue on along the river for a long way. And I have often seen kingfishers! How amazing this is – the ‘heads up’ is seeing photographers with their long lenses! I still live in hope of seeing an otter. They are definitely in our Avon river.
Then there’s the canal on the other side of the Tithe Barn and one can walk all along the Kennet and Avon Canal all the way to Avoncliff Aqueduct. I will take you on these walks in future posts – it may tempt you to visit our town?!
Behind my home, just beyond a playing field and a children’s park, there are farms, and I’ve walked many miles exploring the area. There are still many more paths I haven’t walked…..
I’ve ‘befriended’ a tree in the playing field close to my home! This was a Brian Draper suggestion in his Autumn series. Mine is a sycamore tree and it has a bench next to it. I have a twin sister – and so does she!
My friend, the sycamore tree in her autumn colours
Not quite bare of leaves yet….
Brian encourages us to be more observant about the wonders of nature and having a tree to observe is just one wonderful way to do this. ‘My friend’ was dressed in autumn leaves but now she’s bare. But I am very conscious that she is still living and growing and I’m looking forward to seeing her burst into glorious green leaf in spring. I love this thought: I am grieving but her growth is giving me so much pleasure; grief to growth!
I was emboldened to attempt some simple haiku poems about these changes by Brian reminding us that no-one else needs to read your attempts! This has given me so much pleasure; sitting on my bench observing my tree and thinking up simple three line poems about her. Why not give it a try? You have nothing to lose – perhaps everything to gain?! Which brings me on to –
5. Writing:
If you enjoy writing, as I do, why join a writing group? I found the one I‘ve joined on the website of Dorothy House, our local hospice. It’s simply called ‘Writing Group’ and takes the form of an hour long zoom meeting once a week. We write spontaneously on a topic that one of us has suggested and then share – but only if you want to. There is no pressure, as we don’t do any preparation during the week. It is small; the most we’ve ever had attending was 7, which keeps it manageable for the time we have to write and share in the hour.
Also, I’ve started just writing out my frustrations or sadness on a particular day into a book – very spontaneously – just ‘spitting it out’. Quite often I’ve found they turn into a kind of bad poem. It’s not a special book and in fact some of the pages are falling out. Some I might just tear out and throw away. It’s only for me and I can choose what I’d like to keep or maybe work on. But when I’ve ‘written out’ my emotion, it feels like a cleansing, a move from anger, or grief, to growth.
Most U3As have writing groups. I may give that a try at some point, as it would be good to meet ‘face to face’ with other writers.
Then of course, I also enjoy writing posts for my blog. That won’t be for everyone but if you feel you might enjoy writing about your life – or anything else – then go for it! I actually have another blog but since setting up this ‘footeloosefancyfree’ one, I have neglected it I’m afraid. But I did enjoy writing about other things other than travel. Perhaps I should resurrect it this year?!
6. Reading:
This has always been something I’ve enjoyed and if anything I’m reading more now than ever. I enjoy both Non-Fiction and Fiction as well as Memoirs. Sometimes, when I’m feeling down, I like to read something very light, a ‘feel good’ book. Then there are times when I feel I want to learn more about something or someone, so I often have a couple of books on the go at once.
Do you know about Borrowbox? https://www.borrowbox.com/ It’s brilliant. It’s an online library and you will be linked to your local library. You can then download ebooks as well as audiobooks for free! (Audiobooks are great for listening to when I’m painting.) I still go to my local library to get books as well (who doesn’t like to read a ‘real’ book in bed?!) Also, the charity shops in England are brilliant for picking up second-hand books for next to nothing. I can’t go anywhere without a book….There must be many of you out there who are readers, so I thought I would give you a list of my best reads/audios looking back over the year:
Fiction:
House of Doors, Tan Twang En (also loved his previous books)
The Midnight Sun, Rosie Thomas
Blue Shoes and Happiness, Alexander McCall Smith
The Bookbinder of Jericho, Pip Williams
There are Rivers in the Sky, Elif Shafak
The Bullet that Missed, Richard Osmond
Memoirs
My Life in Houses, Margaret Forster
Raising Hare, Chloe Dalton (Audio)
And Finally, Henry Marsh (Brain surgeon) (Audio)
Blood and Sand, Frank Gardener
Non-Fiction
The Siege, Ben McIntyre
The Otter’s Tale, Simon Cooper
Soulfulness, Brian Draper
The Sea Birds’ Cry, Adam Nicholson
Perhaps you might like to find one or two at your local library or on Borrowbox.
Whatever I do read, I feel it is a way to move from grief to growth. I’m distracted from my sadness on the one hand and always learning something on the other.
7. Art:
Whenever I get out my art materials and start on something, I think to myself ‘Why don’t I give myself the pleasure of doing this every single day?’ Putting down marks or brush strokes on a drawing or painting surface is so absorbing that worries float away as your drawing or painting grows. My mother always encouraged my sisters and I to do art and we all took art as a subject in our senior years at school.
After many years of not doing anything at all, I did a Fine Arts Degree and that got me drawing and painting again. I’ve been lucky enough to be able to continue with my art right up until this very point in time. What a life-saver it has been; a healthy distraction from the trauma of Dudley’s worsening condition. This last year, it’s helped me focus and keep going and taken my mind off having to ‘go solo’. It’s helped that I’ve been lucky enough to have had events to work towards as well as some commissions. I escape my sadness and watch my pencil or ink marks and brushstrokes morph into a drawing or painting: grief to growth. In future posts I might share some of the work that I do.
When we were kids, we all enjoyed messing about with crayons and paints didn’t we? And then as we grew older we became self conscious about our creations – and stopped making art. But what do so many people do when they retire? They get back into some kind of creative endeavor including drawing and painting. Why? Because it gives so much joy! Why not take the same attitude toward painting or drawing as Brian Draper suggested for attempting some poetry; just do it for the pleasure of creating. Don’t stress about the final product. You could just go and get yourself a small sketch book and some art materials and have a go at home. Later you might feel inclined to join a class. Again the U3A have art clubs.
8. Entertainment:
For me, it feels essential to have some euphoria in my life and to have things to look forward to.
2024 was so taken up with Dudley’s illness that we hardly went out at all. Looking back on the year, I have been so fortunate. I needed and have been lucky enough to enjoy far more in 2025. Whenever I’ve come home from something, I’ve felt buoyant. Of course, I’d prefer it if Dudley was with me, but I’ve realized that I DO still enjoy going to events without him by my side – grief to growth?
Bradford-on-Avon is such a beautiful historical town to live in. And there are so many arty and musical things going on all the time, as well as festivals. Also, Bath and Bristol are nearby and have more still! Here are some of the things I’ve been to this year – so lucky!
An Organ Recital, Wildlife Photography exhibition, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, Panto: Robin Hood, 2 Choir concerts, Trio concerts, quite a few movies, regular art exhibitions, also Kew Gardens and a couple of National Trust properties.
Why not make a concerted effort – yes, I admit that sometimes that’s what it takes – to look for what you can do in your area or further afield? You may live closer to London than I do – I would love to do more in London. You’ll find that it is a wonderful way to banish those blues!
9. Travel:
Not everyone can afford to travel to far off countries or even Europe from the UK, of course. But the word ‘travel’ could also include a short train trip to visit a relative or friend. Just getting away from your own home for a few days can be a tonic.
My son and family live in New Zealand – so far away. We are all so grateful that he and his son came out to see Dad/Grumpy in August of 2024, before he became extremely weak. It was a special time. Of course I missed having my son here at the end. The early days and months ‘after it’s happened’ are so terribly hard aren’t they? My daughter and son-in-law persuaded me that visiting my son and family would be so good for me. So I made the long journey and it was so worth it. I was there for my birthday too. This visit was certainly a ‘grief to growth’ few weeks!
Apart from that I’ve only travelled short distances to visit my sister and a close friend. It’s always a bit of a stress getting there, using public transport etc. but I’m finding it easier the more I do it. So I think I have moved on from the anxiety to being more calm; grief to growth, in this at least. Don’t force yourself to drive if you feel intimidated by it!
Maybe you could think about expanding a hobby and starting a savings account toward a future trip/trips? I am trying to do that with my art!
In conclusion, may I suggest again that you make a list of all the things, both bad and good, that have happened to you, looking back over the year. I’m very much hoping that you will discover that you are managing to move on from grief to growth, even though it may feel like a slight change. Hopefully that will then help you realize how well you’ve coped and give you encouragement for the year ahead. Then after that, start planning those euphoric moments or dates for this coming year!
P.S. I used to have such a strong Christian Faith. Many lovely Christians I know seem to have found the ‘peace that passes all understanding’. Not me. Also, they do so much for others. I don’t feel I do enough. Wherever we’ve lived, I’ve done some sort of volunteering, but I haven’t got back into that since moving here. So in an attempt to strengthen my faith and ‘give more’, I have signed up for 2 daily Christian Apps: Lecto 365 and Everyday Faith, to see where that leads me. Watch this space.